Intimacy in Group Living – Living Out Loud

“It’s much safer to have the goal of intimacy than to actually pursue it.” George

This statement rang true for me, as I’m sure it does for many. I like having lofty goals – “more love in my life” “more intimacy”. I get to feel like I’m a good student, a better person. To actually do it, to even begin to take steps to achieve it, is far less glamorous. Mostly it has felt like practicing a foreign language this pursuit of intimacy. To actually say out loud what I am thinking with little or no editing has often felt awkward and/or scary. It began, though, as an experiment. A few months ago, I decided to increase the amount of intimacy I experience in my relationships.

In a earlier post I identified trust as a key component of intimacy. Truly, I don’t recommend such an experiment with just anyone. Choose someone with whom you have built up a good deal of trust and solid communication. I often say someone with whom you have a lot of M&M’s in the jar. I chose someone who I know loves me undeniably and has withstood the test of time to participate with me in my experiment. That person was George. I was also motivated by a desire for increased intimacy with him which I had seen most often lead to more affinity.

I notice that I tend to avoid uncomfortable interactions by simply withholding communication. I have no doubt that I am communicating in other ways, ways which tend to garner less reaction which often suits me. I really dislike confrontation. To overtly express irritation or pain or embarrassment. for instance, was quite new and rather awkward, so having someone with a track record of acceptance was vital.

I was pleased with my initial forays into my experiment. At moments when there were long silences, I would simply start saying out loud the thoughts I was thinking anyway. To my surprise, I started having juicy conversations that I was having with another person instead of the same old conversations I was having with myself. There were many instances when I worried that George’s reaction would be negative, like when I would talk about someone to whom I was attracted or a concern about a purchase I had made. Mostly though his reactions were of varying levels of interest. Sometimes he would even thank me for telling him something I thought he already knew like how much I appreciated something he did. Then there were a couple of times he asked me to stop talking on a particular topic because it was more information than he wanted.

Cindy said this would happen. I mentioned to her in the last Darshan that I was concerned that I might reveal more than my friends wanted to hear. She said I should trust them that they would let me know.

In general my experiment has resulted in an easy closeness between George and I that has increased our confidence in the context of the relationship. I am less concerned with how I am coming off when I am expressing myself to him. My attention has even shifted away from myself a bit and more on to him. Because I am not expending as much energy in editing myself to look good, I have more available to consider him and how my communication is affecting him. The level of trust between us has increased both in terms of being seen and accepted, and also in the amount of congruent reality we are creating between us within our relationship. Another benefit I am seeing is that I am being even more authentic with my friends and housemates.

My habitual behavior remains. More often than not, I continue to edit and present a good front, which is useful in some circumstances. Yet I am also encouraged by the instances where I remember my goal for more intimacy and love, and so employ my practice of revealing my thoughts.